Dear Hermione
by Raven55
Summary: Ron writes her a letter while she is at the christmas party with McLaggen, a letter which shows he might know and feel more than he lets on. set in the middle of Halfblood Prince


**Disclaimer:** I own nothing

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**Dear Hermione**

I really don't understand you, you know. Why McLaggen? Lavender has no attention for me at the moment, she's too busy talking to Parvati about their (and mine) new discovery about you. Why McLaggen? It had been _my_ invitation, right? You had offered to take me to the christmas party first and now you've taken Mc-bloody-Laggen!

I don't say goodnight to the two girls beside me, I won't bother as long as they're too busy babbling about you and your 'fine catch'.

Fine catch...Is that how you girls really look at boys? I thought only people like the Slyterins talked like that...and anyway, what does McLaggen have that I don't? I'm pretty sure no one looks at me like I'm a fine catch. At least...I had always thought and even hoped that perhaps _you_...

The urge to kick something rises inside me when I think things like that and because I can't do anything about it, I have to settle with stomping my feet on the steps on my way up to the dormitory.

Somehow, I can't stop thinking about how you must look tonight. I bet you look amazing. You did the last time I saw you in dressrobes...You had your hair back in that sleek bun, the blue colour of your robes looked so gorgeous on you...The only thing wrong with that picture was the guy you went with.

You shouldn't have been dating Viktor Krum, he was way too old for you. I know who I think you should have gone with, but I don't think I'll ever pluck up the courage to tell you. Heck, I'll never pluck up the courage to say sorry for what I did to you. I really did ruin your night back then, didn't I. Well I _am_ sorry. More than you will ever know because I'll never tell you.

I've just pulled the curtains of my four-poster bed shut forcefully so I can lie down and write this peacefully. I don't want anyone to see me like this; so confused, so messed up.

I know there is no way back for me. No way for me to turn back what has happened, what has changed between you and me. I've hurt you more times than either of us will ever admit. And every time I did, it left a mark on you, didn't it. I guess that's why you're being so vicious towards me now, to pay me back for the times I made you cry.

I deserve it. That's why I take it so willingly. I broke the balance, I deserve it for breaking the balance. And even though I realise all of this, I just can't say sorry. I just can't do what I have to do!

Tomorrow we're going to the Burrow, Harry and me. I wish you would come too. I feel it would be like old times if you did. And I simply don't want to be away from you so long. But I suppose everything has changed between us now, hasn't it. Perhaps it will never be like the old times anymore...

I just keep thinking that everything will work out fine on its own, that one way or another you'll understand why I...

It's not fair. Harry's kissed Cho and you've kissed Krum...and now that _I _kiss someone, everyone seems to be angry with me! I never get anything right. Even kissing goes wrong with me.

You know I never want to admit fault. I never have and I never will. I usually let nature do what it does best and it all comes out fine in the end...But I'm not so sure that will work this time. This time, I have Lavender.

I'm not saying that's a bad thing. I like her. Having Lavender is good. She hangs from my arm like I always imagined my girlfriend would. And she likes me. She thinks I'm madly in love with her, though.

She keeps wanting to talk to me about all those hints she apparentally dropped my way this year and why it took me so long to pick up on them. I'll admit that she's a good kisser. Well, a fairly good one. Kissing her is sort of exhausting. With her it's more like a sport...tonsel hockey, if you will...It wears me out sometimes.

Oh, and then there's the fact that she secretly calls me 'Won-Won'. I've managed to convince her not to yell it across hallways and the Common Room, but I don't know for how long I will be able to keep her enthousiasm under control. Every time she calls me that, the hairs on the back of my neck rise.

Reading back on what I've just written, I can't help noticing that perhaps she isn't that great to have after all...The only pluspoint I can atribute her with right now is that _she_ notices me. Unlike you...I suppose.

I know it is with Lavender that I broke the balance. But just one look into her eyes and my knees go weak. I can't get my mouth to open to say what I need to say. I'm _scared_ to tell her, and to tell _you_, what I wish both of you knew.

Now, I know you'll never read this. Sending this is simply out of the question. So all I can do is hope that you don't need me to spell this out, that you know all of this already. I know _I_ won't be able to restore the balance, so I'm counting on you. Restore our balance, Hermione. Please.

- Ron


End file.
